Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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