i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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