I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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