She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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