hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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