When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
