and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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