I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she told me i tasted like america
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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