Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
