the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
