his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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