So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
