You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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