Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
