Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
