Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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