I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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