i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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