Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
