we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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