Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
where are you?
Hypothermia
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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