Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
