Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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