We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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