I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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