I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
