It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
