I hate all girls vehemently.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
