and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
