i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
