I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Randomize
