do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
