mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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