my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
