Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
