Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
