It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
