He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
