I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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