Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
