my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
