thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
