6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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