We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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