i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
