Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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