You made me cry and you don't even care
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We need a shit load of segways right now
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am available for nakedness
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
