once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
