I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
