If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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