Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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