She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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