You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
