You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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