u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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