The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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