boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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